With a calendar, your days are numbered.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls.
On a scale of North Korea to America, how free are you tonight?
On a scale of North Korea to America, how free are you tonight?
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
You are my methods. I am nothing without you.
You are my methods. I am nothing without you.
Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine’s Day.
Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine’s Day.
If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself the accident would not have happened.
If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself the accident would not have happened.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized.
Best goal keepers are women ; they never let any ball enters
Best goal keepers are women ; they never let any ball enters
It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
There are good cheese puns and bad cheese puns. Between them, there’s a gruyerea.
There are good cheese puns and bad cheese puns. Between them, there’s a gruyerea.
Lawyers really aren’t so bad, it’s just ninety-nine percent of lawyers that make the rest look bad.
Lawyers really aren’t so bad, it’s just ninety-nine percent of lawyers that make the rest look bad.
Where were you i have been waiting for half an hour. Said No Girl Ever.
Where were you i have been waiting for half an hour. Said No Girl Ever.
In America, you find a party, in Russia, party always finds you.
In America, you find a party, in Russia, party always finds you.
What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.
What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.
My fear of moving stairs escalates.
My fear of moving stairs escalates.
Thanks to Heroin I think I’m addicted to needles.
Thanks to Heroin I think I’m addicted to needles.
Behind every fat woman there is a beautiful woman. No seriously, your in the way.
Behind every fat woman there is a beautiful woman. No seriously, your in the way.
I used some magic to make some fog laugh. It was mist tickle.
I used some magic to make some fog laugh. It was mist tickle.
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
“Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.” “Yes sir, it’s fresh ground.”
“Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.” “Yes sir, it’s fresh ground.”
I’m in a long distance relationship, her restraining order ends tomorrow.
I’m in a long distance relationship, her restraining order ends tomorrow.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
Happy birthday, Bono. I wanted to get you the perfect present, but I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.
Happy birthday, Bono. I wanted to get you the perfect present, but I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.